


Don't Spend It All In One Place

by ShayMcSudonim



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Filk, Gen, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-05
Updated: 2012-06-05
Packaged: 2018-08-18 04:26:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8149078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShayMcSudonim/pseuds/ShayMcSudonim
Summary: GLaDOS sings Welcome to the Black Parade. Formerly titled "I Want You Gone."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Song found within the fic is set to the tune of My Chemical Romance's song, "Welcome to the Black Parade" which I do not own. Portal belongs to Valve.

After passing out in the blackness of outer space, Chell awoke to someone poking her. Knowing that GLaDOS didn't have hands, she was rather surprised at this.

Upon opening her eyes, however, she saw it was merely a small robot, who was white with orange highlights.

"Orange," said GLaDOS, in a particularly spiteful voice. "We do not poke former test-subjects. Especially not ones who nearly died on the moon half an hour ago."

Chell gave GLaDOS a small smile of thanks. The orange robot, however, didn't look so happy. At least, it didn't until a shorter blue robot came into the room, toting a core. Chell wondered what it was for.

"Blue, why did you bring that in here?" asked GLaDOS, as though echoing her thoughts.

Instead of answering the question, the blue robot simply tossed the core in a high arc so that it attached itself to GLaDOS' main body.

The AI let out a sound of alarm.

"I don't know what you're trying to do, but you've just earned yourself and Orange an extra three hours of testing for today."

Then, rather distractedly, GLaDOS turned to Chell. "As per our agreement, you're free to leave Aperture," she said, before turning back to berating the two testing-robots.

The platform Chell was on began to raise itself.

Blue and Orange waved goodbye to her, cheerily. Chell returned the gesture, and even threw a wave GLaDOS' way as well.

After a few seconds, the lift stopped, the doors opened, and four turrets trained their laser-sights on Chell.

"I think I've figured out what that core was," mentioned GLaDOS, in an uncharacteristically emotional voice. Rather than a collected scientist, she now sounded more like a morose teenager

Chell glanced briefly at the speaker through which the AI's voice was emanating in surprise, before returning her attention to the deadly turrets.

"That was Angst Core," said GLaDOS, her voice nearly dripping with disdain, as the turrets began to deactivate their their lights.

"I do believe I'm going to smash Orange and Blue a few times for this," she said, as an automated voice spoke: "Mild Central-Core corruption detected. Please wait while Aperture Science Specialists fix the problem."

Then, the turrets began to serenade her, as she had seen them do for the turret wife back in one of the test chambers.

Surprisingly, GLaDOS joined in as well, taking the part of the singer, letting the turrets be her instruments.

Wheatley, Chell remembered, had been meant to stunt GLaDOS' intellect by offering a perpetual stream of bad ideas. Was the purpose of having an 'Angst Core' to make GLaDOS too depressed, and inclined to sing depressing music, to kill all the humans in the facility? All things considered, she wouldn't have put it past Cave Johnson...

And, granted, hearing GLaDOS sing was nothing new—there had been that 'Still Alive' song after their first encounter, after all—but never before had she heard the AI attempt anything resembling rock, or punk, or emo, or whatever the heck this was...

Still, since she was a rather captive audience, she might as well listen:

* * *

GLaDOS:

"When I was

a human,

Cave Johnson

indulged his love of science

and built a portal-gun.

* * *

He said, "Hey, there!

Yes you, sir. How'd you like

an extra sixty dollars?

Let's get some science done!"

* * *

He said, 'Good man!

Please sign this, a waiver.

Yes, I know that it's lengthy,

but it's our standard form.'

* * *

And I sat there,

kept silent, did nothing

but take down notes and memos,

ignored the coming storm."

* * *

The lift left the four turrets behind, rising higher... but Chell could still hear them, as the elevator made its way up. It seemed that they were also able to approximate human voice, as they joined GLaDOS in repeating her lines from before, with even greater fervor.

* * *

Turret Quartet and GLaDOS:

"When I was

a human,

Cave Johnson

indulged his love of science

and built a portal-gun.

* * *

He said, "Hey, there!

Yes you, sir.

How'd you like

an extra sixty dollars?

Let's get some science done!"

* * *

Chell emerged into a room, which contained a veritable symphony of turrets, and, as the voices of the four turrets from below her faded, the turrets in this room began an upbeat segment of the song. Some of them approximated guitar and drums, though a few were playing what sounded like vocal harmonies. Soon, GLaDOS joined them.

* * *

GLaDOS:

"I swear, Cave,

death by moon-dust

was far too kind an end.

I've given up the ghost of sanity.

* * *

That heartless fool with logic cruel

he sacrificed my life,

all in the name of singularity.

* * *

I'm Caroline!

Was Caroline...

* * *

You see, for

now my name is GLaDOS,

and, well, my patience's worn quite thin.

* * *

Poor Caroline!

* * *

And though you're still a murder suspect,

there's now the friendship aspect.

* * *

When you awoke from stasis,

you almost killed me twice

but, then again, you saved me from that bird.

* * *

So now I'm back,

and you've that knack

for disrupting all my plans.

But still, I think I'll have to keep my word.

* * *

I want you gone!

I want you gone!

* * *

And though you've—to no end—annoyed me,

you'll live to see another dawn.

* * *

I want you gone!

* * *

And though you're off to join the real world,

your legacy will linger—

* * *

On and on the testing cycle runs,

setbacks by the truckloads and the tons.

Let them laugh at me,

That's what neurotoxin's for...

* * *

I'm still alive!

I'm doing science!

And as for you,

with your defiance, I'd

bet on you

against the Combine.

So go ahead,

go and reclaim your life!

* * *

I won't explain

Or say I'm sorry.

I'm unashamed.

I'm gonna stay down here

and run more tests,

observe the data.

Not out of fear,

it's simply who I am.

* * *

I'm one machine,

and I'm no hero.

* * *

You're just a mute,

who's not completely sane.

* * *

As for the fate

of other people,

* * *

I DON'T CARE.

* * *

I want you gone!

I want you gone!

* * *

And though you've fled and gone, believe me.

Your memory will carry on.

* * *

I want you gone!

* * *

And though you're off to join the real world,

your legacy will linger on..."

* * *

The lift moved upward again, continuing on its journey and leaving the turret symphony behind, though Chell, as before, could still hear them clearly as they repeated GLaDOS' last stanza.

* * *

Turret Chorus:

"I'm still alive!

I'm doing science!

And as for you,

with your defiance, I'd

bet on you

against the Combine.

So go ahead,

go and reclaim your life!"

* * *

GLaDOS:

"I want you gone!"

* * *

Turrets:

"I'm still alive!

I'm doing science!

And as for you,

with your defiance, I'd

bet on you

against the combine.

So go ahead,

go and reclaim your life..."

* * *

GLaDOS:

"I want you...

I wan't you gone!"

* * *

GLaDOS' last word was held for a few seconds before ending, leaving silence, save for the continued marching-beat of the turret-drums from the symphony.

Then, Chell was left standing outside Aperture, as the lift had finally reached the surface. Briefly, she wondered how long it would take GLaDOS to get the Angst Core off of her. She felt a rush of camaraderie for Blue and Orange. Given what she'd just seen, they would be well-able to handle the AI and she felt no qualms about leaving them at the facility.

Behind her, the percussion of the turrets was still quietly audible. Though, that was soon joined by an additional kind of percussion. It sounded as though something was falling down the lift and banging against its sides. But, if that were the case, the sound wouldn't be getting louder, would it?

Just as she thought about moving back to look, the door opened and her Companion Cube fell down to the ground, just as the last notes of the turret-drums died away.

"That," thought Chell, as she gathered her Companion Cube, a huge grin on her face, "was the best elevator music I've ever heard."


End file.
